Jack Thompson isključen!

S nedavnim trajnim isključenjem Jacka Thompsona, pravni sustav je izgubio svog najvećeg prvaka otkako se sudac žonglira ^{(Judge Juggles)} klaun^{(The Clown)}  utopio u sudnici punoj kreme. Dok ga njegov novi neprofesionalni status oslobađa za priliku na Dumbass Olimpijskim igrama^(Olympics) 2009. , mi obilježavamo njegovu karijeru osvrćući se na deset sjajnih trenutaka Thompsona .^(Thompson)

1. Borba protiv Janet Reno

Davno prije nego što je preuzeo Take-Two i Rockstar , John Bruce “Jack” Thompson namjeravao je postati državni tužitelj u okrugu Dade . Njegov protukandidat bila je tadašnja državna odvjetnica Janet Reno , a u natjecanju za utvrđivanje tko je najprikladniji za dokazivanje krivnje optuženih za ubojstvo, silovanje i otmicu odlučio se za strategiju "nazvati je lezbijkom".

Ne, oprostite, "nazvavši je lezbijkom na način devetogodišnjeg dječaka u kućnoj sobi", dok joj je proslijedio poruku u kojoj je tražio da označi kućicu kako bi označila da je heteroseksualna/biseksualna/homoseksualna. Pretpostavljamo da se tada zahihotao i puhao u pljuvačke što god je ekvivalent učitelju na događaju kampanje. Položila mu je ruku na rame i objasnila da je privlače samo muški muškarci, zbog čega nju nije privukao.

Riječima videoigara, on toliko mrzi, PWN3D . Njegov odgovor? Podnijeti policijsku prijavu u kojoj tvrdi da je njezin dodir s njegovom osobom predstavljao napad, ili drugim riječima, zahtijevajući da su ti policajci bili potrebni da ga obrane od Smrtnog stiska^{(Death Grip)} pedesetogodišnje žene. Janet Reno nastavila je nadzirati osude bombaša Unabombera^(Unabomber) , Timothyja McVeigha^{(Timothy McVeigh)} i Svjetskog trgovinskog centra^{(World Trade Center)} . Jack je nastavio birati i gubiti borbe protiv ljudi koji pružaju kućnu zabavu.

2. Batman od Rapa

Godine 1990. Jacky , kako ćemo ga sada nazivati ​​"Jack", potpuno je previše muževno ime za onoga koji se boji Kung Fua^{(Kung Fu)} žene starije od pola stoljeća, odlučio je da je Rap njegov novi neprijatelj. U svojoj kampanji protiv "As Nasty As They Wanna Be" 2Live Crew tvrdio je da je on Bruce Wayne , Batman koji se bori protiv zla Rap glazbe^{(Rap Music)} . Ne samo riječima: nosio je šišmiš sat^(Bat-watch) i ljudima slao kopije svoje vozačke dozvole sa slikama Batmana^(Batman)edited in. Ruke gore ako to zvuči kao čin dobro prilagođenog pravnika (neće biti ruku gore, jer će svatko tko ih pokuša podignuti smatrati da je nezgodno "sputano" nekakvom "jaknom").

Imajte na umu da je to bilo 1990. godine, godine kada ga je psihijatrijska procjena na Floridi potvrdila da je zdrav. ^(Florida)Naznačujući da je Florida morala ozbiljno preispitati svoje standarde mentalnog zdravlja već gotovo 20 godina, s čime će se složiti svatko tko je tamo bio. Nažalost, nikada nije oponašao Batmana^(Batman) do te mjere da je skočio kroz stakleni krovni prozor u skladište puno repera jer bi, iskreno, rezultati toga bili jako smiješni.

3. Slučaj srednje škole Heath

1997. Jackqueline je^{(Jackqueline)} podnijela tužbu protiv tvoraca Dooma^(Doom) , MechWarriora^{(MechWarrior)} , nekoliko drugih igara, većine Hollywooda^(Hollywood) i dijelova interneta^(Internet) s pornografijom. Potražio je 33 milijuna dolara odštete u ime oportunističkih obitelji žrtava, a unatoč činjenici da je veliki broj "optuženika" značio da su mogli platiti po dvadeset centi i vjerojatno podmiriti račun, slučaj je odbačen jer je čak predstavljao pravno prepoznatljivu zahtjev. Najbliže što odvjetnička struka zapravo može doći do "Reci što?" s odvratnim izrazom lica.

Njegov je argument bio da je Doom bio iznimno precizan simulator ubojstva u vojnom stilu, što znači da on zapravo nije vidio Dooma^(Doom) ili američka vojska^{(US Army)} ozbiljno podcjenjuje broj marsovskih baza prepunih demona koje su trenutno navedene kao borbene zone.

4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU

Jacki je ponovno skočila u središte pozornosti i sama je izmislila otmjen koncept "masakre jurnjave", odmjeravajući pucnjave na Virginia Techu^{(Virginia Tech)} sa svom taktom i poštovanjem randy nosoroga u zoološkom vrtu za kućne ljubimce. I otprilike na istoj razini koherentnosti. Njegove su tirade bile nešto manje točne od slijepog pigmeja s kristalnom kuglom i mnogo manje zabavne. Od strane Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha je bila predstavljena kao “ Stručnjak za streljaštvo u kampusu^{(Campus Shooting Expert)} ” – činjenica da ni on ni Fox nisu vidjeli nikakav problem u tome govori više o njima nego što bismo mi mogli.

5. Donacija Penny Arcade

Jackette je^(Jackette) ponudila deset tisuća dolara u dobrotvorne svrhe za svakoga tko je napravio igru ​​koja predstavlja ubojstvo šefa Take- ^(Take-Two)Twoa Paula Eibelera^{(Paul Eibeler)} . Kada je dobio ponudu, lukavo je otkrio da je cijela "ponuda davanja novca u dobrotvorne svrhe" satira. Revolucionarni novi oblik satire, a ne definicija satire koju dijele rječnici ili ostatak engleskog^(English) govornog područja, već je umjesto toga definirana od strane Jackishe^(Jackisha) kao “visiti novac pred ljudima u potrebi i odbiti ga u posljednjem trenutku. Također, laganje i izigravanje stvari na nevjerojatno javan način.”

Autori gaming web stripa Penny Arcade  donirali su novac^{(donated the money)} u njegovo ime dobrotvornoj organizaciji Child's Play za bolesnu djecu. Postoji mnogo načina da protumačite ljude koji troše pet znamenki kako bi nadoknadili vaš loš dug: sram, krivnja, povlačenje iz javnog života za iskupljenje u udaljenom samostanu. Jack je odlučio  pozvati policiju^{(call the police)} . Uz obrazloženje da su dva muškarca donirala vlastiti novac u dobrotvorne svrhe. Također, slučaj je imao otprilike jednake šanse za uspjeh kao i metak za probijanje oklopa baziran na sufleu, pokazujući Jackovu oštroumnu pravnu inteligenciju i način na koji on zasigurno ne koristi pravilan postupak slobodne zemlje kao klub kojim bi prijetio ljudima.

6. Kokoši iz lažne rasprave

Thompson je nastavio svoj niz "biti lažljiva kukavica u javnosti" 2008. izazivajući, dapače, izazivajući Simula-Samuela L. Jacksona^{(Simula-Samuel L Jackson)} iz Newsgropera^(Newsgroper) na raspravu. Kad ga je prihvatila ponuda, pogodite što se dogodilo^{(guess what happened)} .

Možemo razumjeti bijeg s leta od pravog Samuela L Jacksona^{(Samuel L Jackson)} . To je jedina razumna opcija – u posljednjem slučaju on je odmetnuti agent FBI SHIELD -a ^{(FBI SHIELD)}Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer koji igra po vlastitim pravilima, a povrh svega, on je Samuel Goddamn Jackson . Ali lažni Jackson ? Evo nagovještaja, Jacki , jer je postalo jasno da ne razumijete ove tehnološke stvari: ljudi koji se pretvaraju da su čvrsti na mreži su prilično suprotni. Netko tko se pretvara da je Sam L najvjerojatnije je najbjelji, najblijediji neuvredljivi non-mofo kojeg ćete naći ispred odjela za albino bolnice za osteoporozu.

7. NIMF mu kaže da se izgubi

Sirene upozorenja na Crazy-ometru^{(Crazy-ometer)} su stvarno treštale kada je čak i Nacionalni institut^{(National Institute)} za medije^(Media) i obitelj^(Family) objavio da to nije on, nego oni, i ako je mogao otići i vrištati i bacati govno kao luđak  negdje drugdje^{(somewhere else)} , da bilo bi jednostavno super. NIMF , ljudi koji su izmislili idiotsku neriječ "killographic" i optužili videoigre da promiču ne samo ubojstvo nego i otvoreni kanibalizam, pogledali su Jacka Thompsona^{(Jack Thompson)} i rekli "K vragu, ali taj tip je lud".

8. Florida bar: Začepi ili šuti. Zapravo, strpi se I^(AND) šuti

2008. je bila godina kada je Florida Baru^{(Florida Bar)} konačno bilo dosta da se Jack ismijavao od cjelokupne njihove egzistencije – samo osamnaest godina nakon što su ga prvi put optužili da je lud, pa možete vidjeti munjevitu brzinu pravde u Sunshine State . Naloženo mu je da prisustvuje suđenju za isključenje koje bi mu moglo zabraniti odvjetništvo na pet godina. Da bi ozljedi u karijeri dodali uvredu "I mi možemo podnijeti dodatne tužbe", podnijeli su nalog za prikazivanje^{(show cause)} u  kojem se navodi da će morati pravno dokazati da pravni sustav nije koristio kao svoju osobnu kutiju za sapunice i Threatening-Stick . Što^(Which) bi u ovom trenutku bilo prilično zeznuto.

Također su presudili da svaki daljnji pravni postupak koji je pokrenuo Jack mora potpisati drugi član odvjetničke komore Floride^{(Florida Bar)} , ili drugačije rečeno, doslovno govore: "Ne smijete se igrati s našim pravnim sustavom osim ako vas ne nadzire odgovorna odrasla osoba." Na to što mu je rečeno da se sada pravno smatra maloljetnim reagirao je odmah podnio žalbu. Bez potpisa.

9. Izlazi iz vlastitog sluha

Naravno, Jack se ne bi zadovoljio isključenjem. Svojim ponašanjem uspio je slučaj dovesti do “pojačanog izuzeća”, zabranivši mu puno desetljeće bavljenje odvjetništvom, te izjurio iz vlastitog postupka i optužio suca da ih nema ovlasti saslušati.

Da ponovimo: napustio je postupak na temelju toga da sudac u predmetu koji je protiv njega pokrenuo Vrhovni sud^{(Supreme Court)} nije imao potrebna zakonska ovlaštenja. Osim što se Isus^(Jesus) vratio, pošao na pravni fakultet i udružio se s predsjednikom^(President) i Buddhom^(Buddha) kako bi formirao The Right Honorable Lawyo ^(Short)-Tron^{(Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron)} , teško je zamisliti tko bi mogao imati ovlasti.

Ne samo da je suca optužio da je nekvalificiran, već i da je psihički neuravnotežen i počeo se dobacivati ​​frazama poput "ubiti tri tisuće ljudi". Za one od nas koji smo od 11. rujna bili unutar deset metara od službenika za provođenje zakona, to se općenito smatra lošom idejom. Zaista loša ideja. A “ Američki maršali^{(US Marshals)} poslani u vaš dom kako bi objasnili zašto govoriti o počinjenju masovnog ubojstva u pismima pravnim dužnosnicima nije dobra ideja, kao što je Jack saznao ubrzo nakon toga.

10. Trajno isključen

Sve je to uspjelo podići ulog do trajnog isključenja, presude "nikad više ne zamračite naš prag" koju je Bar Florida^{(Florida Bar)} konačno donio. Gotovo dva desetljeća nakon što je odrastao muškarac izjavio da će loviti repere pod krinkom Brucea Waynea^{(Bruce Wayne)} . Naravno, Jack je obećao da će nastaviti dobru borbu, a s obzirom na njegovo ponašanje u prošlosti, sasvim je moguće da će i dalje podnijeti tužbu do trenutka kada ga zakonski i fizički zadrže u bolnici za duševne bolesti, bijesno piskajući i netočne izjave s olovkom koju je držao među zubima.

10 Great Moments in Jack Thompson’s (Failed) Career

Jack Thompson disbared!

With Jack Thompson’s recent permanent disbarment, the legal system has lost its greatest champion since Judge Juggles The Clown drowned in a courtroom filled with custard. While his newly non-professional status frees him up for a shot at the 2009 Dumbass Olympics, we commemorate his career’s passing by looking back at ten great Thompson moments.

1. Battling Janet Reno

Long before taking on Take-Two and Rockstar, John Bruce “Jack” Thompson had his sights set on becoming state prosecutor in Dade county. His opponent was then-state attorney Janet Reno, and in a contest to determine who was best suited to prove the guilt of those accused of murder, rape, and kidnapping he opted for the strategy of “calling her a lesbian”.

No, sorry, “calling her a lesbian in the fashion of a nine-year-old boy in homeroom”, as he passed her a note asking her to check a box to indicate that she was heterosexual/bisexual/homosexual. We assume he then giggled and blew spitballs at whatever the equivalent of a teacher is at a campaign event. She placed a hand on his shoulder and explained that she was only attracted to virile men, which is why she wasn’t attracted to him.

In the words of the videogames, he hates so much, PWN3D. His response? To file a police report claiming her very touch on his person constituted battery, or in other words, demanding those police officers were needed to defend him from the Death Grip of a fifty-year-old woman. Janet Reno went on to supervise the convictions of the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and the World Trade Center bombers. Jack went on to pick and lose fights against people who provide home entertainment.

2. Batman of Rap

In 1990 Jacky, as we will now refer to him as “Jack” is entirely too manly a name for one who fears the Kung Fu of a woman over half a century old, decided that Rap was his new enemy. In his campaign against 2Live Crew’s “As Nasty As They Wanna Be” he claimed that he was Bruce Wayne, a Batman to fight the evils of Rap Music. Not just in words: he wore a Bat-watch and mailed people copies of his driver’s license with pictures of Batman edited in. Hands up if that sounds like the act of a well-adjusted legal professional (there will be no hands up, as anybody who tries to raise one will find it inconveniently “restrained” by some kind of “jacket”).

Note that this was in 1990, the year a Florida psychiatric evaluation certified him as sane. Indicating that Florida has needed to seriously re-evaluate its mental health standards for nearly 20 years, as anyone who’s been there will agree. Unfortunately, he never emulated Batman to the point of leaping through a plate glass skylight into a warehouse full of rappers because, honestly, the results from that would have been really funny.

3. Heath High School Case

In 1997 Jackqueline filed suit against the makers of Doom, MechWarrior, several other games, most of Hollywood and the parts of the Internet with porn on them. He claimed $33 million in damages on behalf the more opportunistic families of victims, and despite the fact that the sheer number of “defendants” meant they could pay twenty cents each and probably meet the bill, the case was dismissed for even presenting a legally recognizable claim. The closest the legal profession can actually get to going “Say What?” with a disgusted expression on its face.

His argument was that Doom was an extremely accurate military-style murder simulator, meaning either he hasn’t actually seen Doom or the US Army is seriously under-reporting the number of demon-infested martian bases currently listed as combat zones.

4. Columbine, Virginia, NIU

Jacki leaped back into the spotlight and single-handedly invented the classy concept of “massacre chasing”, weighing in on the Virginia Tech shootings with all the tact and respect of a randy rhinoceros in a petting zoo. And about the same level of coherence. His tirades were slightly less accurate than a blind pygmy with a crystal ball and much less entertaining. By the Northern Illinois Shootings Jackisha was being introduced as a “Campus Shooting Expert” – the fact that neither he nor Fox saw any problem with that says more about them than we could.

5. The Penny Arcade Donation

Jackette offered ten thousand dollars to the charity of choice of anyone who made a game representing the murder of Take-Two boss Paul Eibeler. When he was taken up on the offer he cunningly revealed that the entire “offering to give money to charity” thing was satire. A revolutionary new form of satire, not the definition of satire shared by dictionaries, or the rest of the English speaking world, but instead defined by Jackisha as “dangling money in front of people in need and whipping it away at the last moment. Also, lying and chickening out of things in an incredibly public manner.”

The makers of gaming webcomic Penny Arcade donated the money on his behalf to the Child’s Play charity for sick children. There are many ways to interpret people spending five figures to make up for your bad debt: shame, guilt, withdrawal from public life to atone in a remote monastery. Jack opted to call the police. On the grounds that two men donated their own money to charity. Also, the case had about as much chance of success as a souffle-based armor-piercing bullet, showing Jack’s keen legal acumen and the way he certainly doesn’t use the due process of a free country as a club to threaten people with.

6. Chickens out of the fake debate

Thompson kept up his “Being a lying coward in public” streak in 2008 by challenging, nay, daring the Simula-Samuel L Jackson of Newsgroper to a debate. When he was taken up on the offer, well, guess what happened.

We can understand running from a flight from the real Samuel L Jackson. That’s the only sensible option – at the last count he’s a renegade FBI SHIELD agent Jedi Samurai Mob Enforcer who plays by his own rules, and on top of all that, he’s Samuel Goddamn Jackson. But a fake Jackson? Here’s a hint, Jacki, because it’s become clear you don’t understand this technology stuff: the people pretending to be tough online are pretty much the opposite. Somebody pretending to be Sam L is likeliest the whitest, palest inoffensive non-mofo you’ll find outside the albino ward of an osteoporosis hospital.

7. NIMF tells him to get lost

The warning sirens on the Crazy-ometer were really blaring when even the National Institute on Media and the Family announced that it wasn’t him, it was them, and if he could go and scream and fling shit like a lunatic somewhere else, that would be just super. NIMF, the people who invented the idiotic non-word “killographic” and have accused video games of promoting not just murder but outright cannibalism, looked at Jack Thompson and said “Damn, but that guy is crazy”.

8. Florida bar: Put up or shut up. In fact, put up AND shut up

2008 was the year that the Florida Bar finally had enough of Jack making a mockery out of their entire livelihood – only eighteen years after the first time they accused him of being insane, so you can see the lightning speed of justice in the Sunshine State. He was ordered to attend a disbarment trial which could ban him from the legal profession for five years. To add “We can file extra lawsuits too” insult to the career-injury, they filed a show cause order stating that he would have to legally prove that he hasn’t been using the legal system as his own personal soapbox and Threatening-Stick. Which at this point would be pretty tricky.

They also ruled that any further legal proceedings filed by Jack must be cosigned by another member of the Florida Bar, or put another way, they are literally saying “You are not allowed to play with our legal system unless supervised by a responsible adult.” He reacted to being told that he was now legally viewed as a minor by immediately filing an appeal. Without a signature.

9. Walks out of his own hearing

Of course, Jack wouldn’t settle for disbarment. With his behavior he managed to get the case elevated to “enhanced disbarment”, forbidding him from practicing law for a full decade, and stormed out of his own proceedings and accusing the judge of not having the authority to hear them.

To restate: he walked out of proceedings on the grounds that the judge in a case brought against him by the Supreme Court did not have the necessary legal authority. Short of Jesus returning, going to law school, and combining with the President and Buddha to form The Right Honourable Lawyo-Tron, it’s hard to imagine who he imagines would have the authority.

He not only accused the judge of being unqualified but also of being mentally unbalanced and started throwing around phrases like “killing three thousand people”. For those of us who’ve been within ten meters of a law enforcement official since 9/11, that’s generally regarded as a bad idea. A really bad idea. A “US Marshals dispatched to your home to explain why talking about committing mass murder in letters to legal officials is not a great idea, as Jack found out shortly afterward.

10. Permanently Disbarred

All this managed to raise the stakes to permanent disbarment, a “never darken our doorstep again” ruling which the Florida Bar finally issued. Nearly two decades after grown man stated he was going to hunt down rappers under the guise of Bruce Wayne. Of course, Jack has pledged to continue the good fight, and given his past behavior, it’s entirely possible that he’ll still be filing suit by the time they’ve got him both legally and physically restrained in a mental hospital, scrawling outraged and inaccurate statements with a crayon held between his teeth.

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